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ASPD And Me (rage)

Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy


There's nothing like it, I don't see red, I don't lose control. Instead, a darkness consumes me. It's quite something, being afraid of what lies beneath. Knowing what you're capable of but wishing with every fibre of your being that you're not put in a position where you completely lose who you are. There's a darkness in me that I keep caged because if it did take control, I don't think I'd ever find my way back to the light. With ASPD (anti social personality disorder) the one constant in my life is the undeniable rage that burns inside of me. It isn't always an uncontrollable fire, but it is always present. Flames gently flickering, ready to be ignited with the accelerant of everyday life. I always feel it, I'm constantly aware of its presence. I've been in more fights than I care to recall. I don't fight as much as I did in my early twenties, and people that know me think it's because I've mellowed as the years have passed, but that isn't the case. As I've gotten older I've experienced more trauma, and the rage inside me has grown. A rage I repeatedly suppress. The number of fights I've gotten into may have decreased but the volatile nature of them has certainly increased. I haven't slowed down because I've calmed, it's because I've become so aware of the damage I've done, and what I can do, that I try my best to avoid any situation where the darkness has an opportunity to take hold of me. I do all I can to keep it under control, finding ways to keep the fire at a low burn rather than an uncontrollable blaze. I lift weights and train most days, for me, it isn't just something that keeps my mental health in check, but it keeps me in line. It's vital for me. Discipline plays such an important role in my life and if I ever feel myself slipping I know it's only a matter of time before the chaos will begin to stir. Even with all the work I put in, I can't control the outside factors that attempt to unravel it. I may be able to slow down the rate my short fuse burns, but I can't stop it. Time and time again I've begged people to walk away from an argument they've started because I've felt the darkness wake up and try to take hold of me. Many listen, but there are a few that don't and within seconds it's escalated into a physical fight and I'm bordering on the point of no return. I know my actions are mine alone, they aren't controlled by others. But you can't antagonise a caged animal and be surprised when it attacks you once the door is open. It was once pointed out to me that if I'm in an altercation and I'm shouting or swearing, they're usually safe. Regardless of what I say or how threatening I sound, it's just me keeping that fire as controlled as possible, even with accelerant being thrown on it. But when I'm silent, when I don't so much as make a noise. When there isn't a single facial expression to decipher. When my eyes are dark and fixated onto the person in front of me. When that happens, as I like to say, it's game over. In those moments I'm allowing that darkness in me to take control and I don't care of the consequences. All I focus on is that moment in time. It makes me feel like a monster. Many have commented the same and that's fine. Although I didn't ask for this I do understand why they have the views they do. I've got qualities I'm not proud of, but they make me who I am and I spend every waking moment working on them, trying to make myself a better person. It's okay to sit with an emotion and feel it. Work through it and process it. It won't last forever and you'll be grateful you did it in the long run. There are no good or bad emotions, the way we act on them defines what they are. This is the fight of my life. - Noisy

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