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BPD And Me (suicidal ideation)

Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy


This may be a difficult and, at times, triggering post to read, so please only read it if you're in the right head space. Please don't feel the need to continue reading this post if it begins to overwhelm you.

TW: Suicide // Suicidal Ideation In simple terms SI (suicidal ideation) is having thoughts about ending your life. Whether it's a fleeting thought or something you stew over for hours thinking about how you'd do it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going to act on it though. It's something I've done a lot in the past, but it doesn't happen now and hasn't for a long time. I'd love to say I don't experience SI now because I've moved on from my trauma, but that isn't the case. It's because I want to stay alive and experience the pain, it's my reminder that it was real. I feel I deserve the pain. I won't allow myself that freedom of escaping the pain by ending my life. I deserve to feel all of it. You don't want to die, you want the pain to stop. You may think suicide is the only way for that to happen, but it isn't. Last year I lost someone to suicide and the pain they felt didn't die with them, it was shared out between every single person who loved them. I live with unimaginable pain, every day. If only I had replied to their message sooner they might not have gone through with it. I miss them with every fibre of my being but that doesn't take away from how much anger I have towards them. Anger for leaving me in this world without them. SI can feel overwhelming and it's so easy for it to spiral out of control. It's made worse when you're in a bad place mentally. You're emotionally exhausted, the black dog is lying at your feet, you've had the day from hell and the thoughts start creeping in, before you know it an hour has passed, and you've planned how you'd take your own life. You obsess over how sweet the relief from your trauma will feel. Yeah, well it won't. Over a year ago, I was bleeding out on the theatre table, dying. Do you want to know how it felt? It wasn't a relief, it wasn't calming, it wasn't what I had hoped it'd be. It was fucking excruciatingly painful, it was terrifying, it was awful. I had no control over the situation as doctors and nurses rushed around me, trying to save my life. At that moment I wasn't feeling relieved that it would be over soon. I didn't want it to be. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. No matter what you're going through, suicide is not the solution. You're precious, you have worth, you have meaning, you have purpose (even if you haven't quite found it yet). When I struggled with SI, I found telling myself "just one more day" helped me get through it. What if tomorrow would be the best day of my life where everything turned around and I was finally happy? If it wasn't, I'd tell myself the same thing "just one more day". At times I'd find myself having to say, "just one more minute" or "just one more hour", but it got me through. It may not work for everyone, but it helped me hold onto hope, and it worked. I look at my life now and find myself grateful that I didn't go through with it. If I had, I wouldn't have my beautiful dogs that I adore, and that give me unconditional love. I wouldn't have this blog where I can write about my life to help others get through theirs. I wouldn't have met my beautiful niece and nephew, I love watching them grow. I wouldn't have friends who I laugh with every single day, that I call up and share rather dark and inappropriate humour with. I wouldn't see the sun rise as the birds begin to wake and sing their beautiful song, I wouldn't see it set as the day comes to an end and the moon lights up the night sky. I wouldn't be able to gaze at the stars and talk to those who aren't here anymore, asking for advice and telling them about the day I've had. I wouldn't get to tell my story in a desperate hope it saves someone else from the trauma I endured. I wouldn't be able to read the messages from you that make me smile every day, without fail. There are so many things you'll miss out on if you end your life, and it's a tragedy that you'll never get to find out how amazing life can be. I know it hurts, and at times it feels unbearable but please remember, nothing is ever as bad as it seems. When we are amid chaos, we can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like it'll never end. But it will. Hold onto hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Give yourself a chance to be happy.

Just one more day. This is the fight of your life. - Noisy

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