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I keep My Demons On A Leash

Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy

W: Self Harm This blog post was inspired by lyrics in the song Arsonist's Lullabye by Hozier.

"Don't you ever tame your demons, but always keep 'em on a leash".

It would be futile to try and tame my demons, I've tried in the past with little to no success. I remember listening to this song for the first time and hearing that one line, it struck a chord with me. Why try to tame the untameable? Why not keep them under control instead? Afterall they have, in the past, saved my life on numerous occasions. Although some are quite undesirable, many do have helpful qualities which I can take advantage of in day-to-day life. It's a delicate and quite dangerous balancing act trying to utilise my personality disorders while keeping them under control. If they're too controlled I'll have dangerous outbursts due to suppression, if I give them too much slack they'll run riot. Coping mechanisms are vital to keep the peace. Everyone has their own unique ones that work for them, and they can change over time.

You can't truly call yourself “peaceful” unless you're capable of great violence, if you're not capable of violence you're not peaceful, you're harmless I used to fight a lot, I don't as much now, but that's down to being aware of how much damage I'm capable of and realising I don't want to do that. If I ever find myself in a heated situation with a stranger that will no doubt turn into a physical fight, I'll walk away. Yes I'll be filled with rage but I'd rather that than the alternative. Even though I walk away, it doesn't always work, the other person might really want a fight, so then I'm being forced into a situation. Next I try and reason, they don't know what I'm capable of and I don't want them to find out. Boasting of my capabilities will only worsen the situation so reasoning is a way to try and diffuse the situation. If that doesn't work I find themself giving them "the stare", which isn't something I'm aware of, or that I consciously do. It's a cold, lifeless stare and during that time I'm silent. It's a dangerous situation because in my head I'm working through every possible outcome of the situation I find myself in, thinking two, three steps ahead. I've never found anyone to go past that point, thankfully. If they did I know I'd have taken the right steps to avoid it, yet it wouldn't be a consolation stood over the damage I'd caused. Everyday coping mechanisms vary because my need for them depends on external factors. If I have a relatively stress-free day without triggers I can find I don't need to use them. But if I'm going through a particularly stressful time or find my mood is bad and it's bleeding onto other people, then I need to utilise them. The simplest way I help myself is walking outside, having dogs helps make sure I do this when I need to. Even if I'm not feeling in the mood to go outside the dogs need to be walked, and being high energy breeds, the walks need to be substantial. I'm grateful for them because on those days that I don't feel like utilising my coping mechanism they force me to, and it always helps. Elastic bands are always on my wrists, they're an alternative to cutting myself. From the age of fifteen I cut my left forearm; I have over a thousand scars on my arm. It was (is?) my guaranteed way of stopping myself losing control. Granted it isn't a safe way and is no way encouraged, but in my mind cutting myself was the lesser evil. Although I haven't cut myself for some time, I don't like to assume I won't do it again. I don't like to put unnecessary pressure on myself, it's the reason I don't count the days since I last did it. I'm comfortable enough knowing I haven't done it for a while, and although I don't want to do it again, if I do it isn't the end of the world, it'll be a blip and nothing more. The elastic bands are a much safer way of causing a pain distraction/release without causing serious damage. The worst that happens is if I do it too much I get some bruising on my wrists and forearms. Yes the idea behind them is the same as cutting myself, I'm causing myself pain to distract from the mental pain, I turn some of that mental pain to physical which, for me, is a lot easier to deal with. But again it's a lesser evil, so I take that as a win. Silence is something many people should utilise; people often speak to fill an uncomfortable silence but what makes it so uncomfortable? I'm comfortable in silence. When I'm out with Jango and he's spotted by a friend or ex college sometimes I speak, and then sometimes I'll walk away or stay silent. I'm sure it portrays me as quite a rude person. I often get referred to as the strong silent type, but it's just another coping mechanism. It's no secret that I'm not a people person. There is a small circle of people I'm happy to be around but outside of that it's limited. Sometimes I can be social and talkative but most of the time I won't be. I opt for silence because usually if I don't mix well with someone else, I'll get pissed off with them trying to speak to me, sometimes they pick up on it and try too hard to be liked which only pisses me off more. Silence in my way of coping with it, I'd rather be thought of as rude than to lose my temper and end up in a situation nobody wants to be in. We all have our own way of coping with life, what works for some, might not for others. If someone is silent, let them be. If you see someone sat on a bench watching the world go by, let them. If you see someone with bruises on their wrists or scars on their arm, don't judge them. If you see someone looking up at the sky, talking to the stars, don't judge. You don't know what they're going through, you don't know how far they've travelled to get where they are. They just might be fighting for their life.

This is the fight of your life. - Noisy If you want to support me, and this blog, you can do so by clicking on the link or button below.


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