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ASPD And Me (risk taking)

Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy

I just don't care. That's not true, I'm capable of caring, I do care, just not about myself. This isn't self-loathing, this is a complete disregard for my own safety. Are you scared of heights? Let's create a hypothetical situation. We are out walking and there's an old, abandoned bridge ahead of us. It's not safe to walk across so it's surrounded by 8ft fencing. It catches my eye and I run over to it with uncontrollable excitement while you drag your feet knowing what's about to happen. I look up for a way to climb the fence covered in barbed wire while your fight of flight instinct kicks into overdrive. I look back at you with dilated pupils while you nervously look to the ground. I know you're scared but fuck it, let's do this! You'll be thinking through every possible outcome, thinking how bad this could turn out while I honestly don't care. I want to take the risk. Never mind the 20ft drop below us, never mind the fact we are in the middle of nowhere with no help at hand if this goes wrong, never mind the bed of rocks below that could kill us on impact. Never mind your fear, let's do it! It's not that I don't care about our safety, I just care about this high more. Because that's what I do, I look for the next high. I take risks to stimulate my brain because as someone with ASPD, I find the world so very mundane. I wish I could be happy with day-to-day life, to be content in what this world has to offer but I'm not.

At times I find ASPD to be so contradictory. I can love someone, care for them, give my life to protect them, yet I can put their life in danger so I can feel something. I guess that makes them collateral damage. I wonder if someone could ever be enough of a risk to stop me taking them. The phrase I always say before doing something dangerous (and usually something I shouldn't be doing) is "fuck it!". It's not that I'm unaware of the dangers I just don't care. I've already done the equations in my head. I know every possible outcome but, to me, the risk is the reward. Taking risks could be anything from hanging off a cliff edge, to driving double the legal speed limit down a dark country road with no lights on, both of which I've done.

I'm like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with one when I caught it.

I know you'll be reading this, more than likely shaking your head in disbelief, thinking how stupid it is. You're right it is. At times it feels as if life is the circus tent, society is the audience, and I'm the clown putting on the show. People that know me expect this kind of behaviour. It doesn't stop them worrying, or wishing so desperately that I would stop. But they know it's a part of who I am. It isn't a surprise anymore, at most it's a look of disapproval or a head shake as they listen to what I've done. I often forget how shocking it can sound to others, to me this is the norm, and for a moment I find myself surprised at how surprised they are. Then I realise that this behaviour isn't normal in society. But I guess I'm not really a part of society. I'm on the outside, looking in, occasionally wondering if I'd ever be happier living the life you do. This is the fight of your life. - Noisy


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